Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Every person who has ever considered divorce has asked themselves, “Should I stay or should or I go?”

If you are asking yourself that question, consider that many people who are on the brink of divorce do reconcile and rejuvenate their marriages.  The catalyst for change is often the divorce negotiations themselves.

The financial reality of dividing assets and debts and thinking about not seeing their children everyday gives people reason to pause.  Should they reassess whether they want to stay on the divorce path or turn around and concentrate their efforts to work on the marriage?

If you decide to stay, realize it is not easy by yourself to change the recurrent patterns of behavior that cause people to think about breaking up in the first place.  Developing new ways to interact usually takes couple’s counseling and individual therapy with the right therapists who are on the same page about what they are telling the spouses.

Spouses can also seek out a trained mediator who focuses on “end of the rope” marriage reconciliation.  But it takes two spouses to do these things.  If one is not invested, it will not work. 

Successful marriage reconciliation may also hinge on the reason the marriage is on the rocks.  “Soft” reasons sometimes can be overcome (infidelity, ineffective communication, arguments over money or parenting).  “Hard” reasons are more difficult to fix (addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or shopping; past or present physical, sexual, or mental abuse; or moderate to severe (untreated) mental illness). 

If the marriage emerges healthy, then all is well.  However, if the marriage was not strong enough to begin with, or it is still toxic after all the efforts have been exhausted, then mediated divorce may be a very good solution. 

Spouses who believe they owe it to each other and to themselves to do everything in their power to save their marriage will have the peace of mind of knowing they tried their best for each other.  Even if the marriage does not survive, trying as hard as they can and giving it their all helps spouses heal, co-parent cooperatively, preserve other family relationships, and move on to new love interests without so much emotional baggage. 

Whether you ultimately decide to stay or go is a private decision only you can make considering all the factors that are important to you.  If you want to talk with a mediator about end of the rope reconciliation or divorce mediation, please call Détente for a free consultation.